


Everyone Gets Hurt

by inspirkational



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek AOS
Genre: Hurt!Kirk, Hurt!Spock, M/M, PTSD, au where starfleet is homophobic, spirk, tarsus, they play chess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-25 18:30:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 11,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20030392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inspirkational/pseuds/inspirkational
Summary: After a painful and sudden breakup, Spock finds a partner in picking of the pieces of his identity. Perhaps a new flame? With chaos and drama on the Enterprise, it's hard to decide.





	1. Have you Ever Courted a Vulcan Before?

“Have you courted a vulcan before?” Asked Spock, without looking up from his meal.  
“No,” answered Geoffrey, “I hadn’t had an interest in any before I met you.” This quieted some of the nervous murmurings in Spock’s mind. Before the date Nyota had expressed some mild discomfort at the idea of a doctor inviting a patient for diner. The idea of a human who studied vulcans taking interest in a vulcan seemed, to her, suspicious.   
Geoffrey was angling his head awkwardly in order to catch spock’s eye. Spock looked up at him. “Are you uncomfortable with this?” Geoffrey sounded hurt, and Spock was quick to correct him.  
“Not uncomfortable, Geoffrey. Merely,... pensive. I find that my decision to accept your invitation should have been considered more carefully,” Spock noted that this appeared to make the man feel worse. “Not that I would not have made the same decision. It is just my preference to think carefully on relationships before first engaging in them.”  
“I see,” Said Geoffrey, smiling somewhat shyly. “So, I entranced you with my manly charm, and you forgot to meditate on it.” Spock smirked with his eyes, and almost with his mouth.   
“I suppose so.” He answered. 

Over subsequent months Mr. Spock and Dr. M’Benga found themselves dedicatedly involved in one another’s lives on the ship. Some knew of their relationship, but because the admiralty looked down upon both doctors engaging with patients, and same-sex relationships, it was hidden from the rest of the crew. Nyota Uhura had been informed by Spock as a courtesy, as he considered her his closest friend. Geoffrey had informed Gary Mitchell and Christine Chapel for the same reason. 

On shore leave once, Spock had found a vintage rugby jersey from the Nigerian team on earth, which was The origin of the doctor’s given name: Jabilo. So, Spock kept it until their six month anniversary, at which point he realized that it was officially his longest standing relationship. When Geoffrey received the shirt he embraced Spock, eyes shining, and told him he loved him.   
“I too, find much self actualization in your life, and our relationship.” Spock had answered, sincerely.   
Spock would often return to his quarters after exhausting away missions to find Vulcan relaxation incense lit, a bath run, and a pot of tea simmering. On these nights, alone in the wee hours, he would smile widely into his tea, and blush in spite of himself; he really did love the doctor.   
When Spock considered the legality of their relationship, he had to meditate away anxiety. So, he did not consider it often.   
Were they to reveal their relationship they could be separated to different ships, demoted to different positions, and abused by the large number of bigots on the ship. Homophobia had resurfaced aggressively when population vastness became the measure of the value of a species.   
Conversely, keeping their relationship private stalled it at this juncture. This juncture was not bad. They made each other dinner before making love, brought each other small physical offerings (a small vulcan statue, a tape of an old earth musical group, vulcan and terran vegetables painstakingly grown on the ship), and where spock would occasionally woo Geoffrey with poetry in an amalgamation of vulcan and standard, Geoffrey would craft vulcan style logic puzzles to make Spock’s brows furrow, before the man decoded a corny, and clumsily written love note.   
But they also had to sneak back to their respective quarters in the morning, and grow their vegetables in only the unvisited corners of the botany lab where the soil was too packed, and there wasn’t enough light. 

“Spock, I’m worried.” Nyota told him over brunch on a day which they had both been given off. Spock cocked his head in confusion.  
“Why?”  
“You seem unfulfilled lately. I’ve admitted I was wrong about the whole ‘you shouldn’t date your doctor’ thing. Now I’ve moved onto, ‘you shouldn’t date someone who doesn’t make you as happy as they used to’.” She smiled sympathetically.   
“While I appreciate your concern, my dissatisfaction does not lie with Geoffrey.” He paused, this was the first time he would admit it out loud. “I am dissatisfied because I see no way to move our relationship forward without experiencing quite adverse consequences.”  
“Oh,” said Nyota, clearly a little surprised. “You want to come out. You now that I’ll always be there to support you, don’t you?”  
“I am both aware of, and grateful for your support. However, I am not sure it will mend the fact that we could be separated by starfleet if we were to ‘come out’. Despite their progressive public stances the admiralty will not be pleased by the nature of the relationship.”  
“You’re not wrong.”   
“I rarely am.” Spock said with a smirk, and Nyota playfully punched his arm. 

“This mission is too dangerous, Spock. You can’t say yes.”   
“I have already agreed to accompany other bridge crew members to the surface. Additionally, considering my atmospheric expertise it would be plainly unethical to refuse such a request.” Spock’s anger wasn’t often readable, not even to Geoffrey. But it was clear, now.   
“I don’t fucking care, Spock. You don’t understand how stressful it is to patch you up without looking worried. Without giving anything away.”  
“I rarely return from away missions injured, and when I do, it is not serious enough to even warrant concern.” Spock said with acid.   
“Excuse me?” Said Geoffrey, hurt.   
“You are excused.” replied Spock, holding open the door to his own quarters, and watching the doctor storm out, back to the med bay.


	2. Enough to Warrant Concern

On the transport pad Spock greeted Doctor McCoy, Lieutenant Jim Kirk, and Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu with a curt nod. He had worked with this crew before. He would call them friends if asked.   
“Someone’s wound tight today. What, did you have a spat with the Mrs.?” Said McCoy playfully.   
“Lieutenant Uhura and I are not romantically involved, as I have informed you before.”  
“I’d bet anything you won’t be able to say that forever.” Quipped Sulu, nudging Spock’s shoulder suggestively. Spock heaved a sigh, and Jim said,  
“Alright, alright, we’ve picked on Spock enough. Scotty, what the hell is taking so long?”   
And with that the transporter energized.   
Three hours later Scotty’s comm chirped.   
“McCoy to enterprise!” It sounded like the doctor was running, there was pain in his voice.   
“Enterprise to-”  
“Beam us up, Scotty. Get M’Benga to the transporter room, now!”   
When the party appeared in the transporter room they were on three panels, instead of four. That was never good. Spock was clearly unconscious, held vertical by a straining, also injured Jim. They were both drenched in the green of vulcan blood. Jim stumbled and the men nearly fell, but McCoy was there in an instant to lower Spock safely to the ground. He was totally limp.   
“Where the hell is M’Benga?” McCoy yelled. McCoy and the CMO, Piper, were both well-versed in human medicine, but Spock’s injuries were severe, and while Mccoy and Piper could treat him for a usual ailment, in situations like this, they really needed a doctor who had studied the specific physiology of the species. Dr. M’Benga was brought aboard as an odds-and-ends doctor. He had studied every non-human species aboard in at least some capacity, with a coincedental heavy emphasis on Vulcan.   
At the moment Geoffrey was standing frozen in the doorway. He’d expected bad. He hadn’t expected half-dead. It took him another fifteen seconds to snap out of it, hoping no one had seen. He didn’t realize that Sulu, going into shock from his grotesquely broken leg had been staring at him since he’d entered.   
Dr. M’Benga went to Spock. Checked his vitals (weak and weakening). Called for a gurney. Lifted him onto it with help from Nurse Chapel. And took him to med bay for the many hours of surgery he would doubtlessly need. 

“I can take over for a while, M’Benga. You’ll burn out if you operate much longer.” Said McCoy from behind him. McCoy had already scrubbed, and was prepared to take the tools right out of M’Benga’s hands.   
“No, you can’t.” Replied M’Benga, emotionlessly. “There’s shrapnel puncturing nearly every organ in his body. Honestly, I barely have the training to take care of this.”  
“What can I do?” asked McCoy.   
“Replicate more synthetic blood and hang it here, and then begin filtering the real blood he’s lost in surgery from it, and put the real blood in the hold, to reuse as we close him up.”  
“You got it, Doc.” Said McCoy. 

“You think he’ll make it?” Sulu asked Jim from one biobed over.   
“Spock?” Jim asked. Sulu nodded, on the verge of passing out. He was on some serious pain medication. “Shit, I mean, I hope so. I don’t know, Man. He might as well have jumped on a fucking grenade. Fuck, I don’t even want to go there. He’s a friend, you know?” Jim realized he was babbling, and looked up to apologize, only to see that Sulu had finally fallen into a restless sleep.   
Spock was his friend. He thought. They didn’t often hang out outside of work, but did vulcans really do that? When Spock was out of surgery Jim would invite him for a game of chess.


	3. There Was Nothing

When spock awoke the lights were too bright for his eyes, so he squeezed them shut.   
“Mornin’ sleeping beauty.” Spock could hear the Doctor’s relief.   
“Doctor McCoy? You treated me?”  
“No, M’Benga did, but surgery wore him out, so he’s gone back to his quarters to get some sleep.” Everything hurt, like the explosion was happening still. Like the shrapnel was wiggling inside of him, slicing him up all over again.   
“Do you know when he will be back on shift?” McCoy looked curious, and Spock added, “I wish to thank him,” in explanation.  
“Ah.” Said McCoy. “I’d wait at least a couple days, then. He was in surgery with you for over thirty hours. He couldn’t even use the dermal regen on ya, because you had too many lacerations. Might’ve ended up binding your organs into each other. He had to stitch you up with sutures, like in the dark ages or something. M’Benga is one damn impressive doctor.”  
“Indeed.” Agreed Spock. Understanding why he was in so much pain. He fought down a groan.   
“You sound awful. I’m gonna up your pain meds, Hobgoblin. You’ll be foggy for the next few days, but trust me, you’d rather be foggy than feel those sutures heal. You’re fuller of string than a ball of yarn.”   
As the doctor spoke Spock started fading out. His pain was dulling to an ache. He hoped Geoffrey would visit sooner than a couple days. In his fog he felt alone. 

Spock was vaguely aware of Nyota the next time he came to.   
“Hey, there.” She said gently, and squeezed his elbow lightly. He mumbled a greeting which came out sounding more like a groan. He hadn’t been fully lucid since he’d woken up the first time. “Sulu says you were quite the hero on the away mission. Jumped in front of an open doorway to block a schoolroom full of children and the landing party from an exploding war tank. Do you remember?” Spock shook his head. “Well according to Bones and Sulu it was ‘badass as hell’” Spock huffed a drug induced laugh, before wincing in pain. He heard the medications adjust on the biobed, and faded out again. 

He awoke more clearly. McCoy had returned to check his vitals. Spock looked up at him.   
“How long have I been in the med bay?” McCoy jumped.   
“Jesus, Spock. Glad you’re up, at least. We beamed back about six days ago. You’ve been on so much medication and lost so much blood that you’ve been out of it for about five of those. When you did wake up you were usually too drugged up to talk. We’re finally able to start weaning you off, and it looks like your body is producing more blood too.”  
“And what of the rest of the landing party?”  
“Jim broke about seven ribs, and came away with a minor concussion from the blast. You were lucid when Sulu broke his leg, but he fell on it again while we were running away from those soldiers. It just about turned around backwards. We could see bone and everything. I was fine, barely even bumps and bruises.”  
“And the school children?”   
“The school had an underground bunker, so we distracted the soldiers for long enough that they could enter it. You saved their lives.”  
“Has Doctor M’Benga been updated on my progress?” Spock asked hoping his hesitance to ask this didn’t show.   
“Actually, he’s given your case to me, so that I can familiarize myself with your vulcan physiology. We agreed that it was unwise for the Enterprise only to have one doctor who can treat you.”  
“I see.” Said spock.   
“Aw, don’t sound so worried. I wouldn’t have agreed to it if I didn’t know I could keep you healthy.” McCoy said it jokingly, but there was a tinge of concern to his voice.   
“I have full confidence in your abilities, Doctor.”  
“Glad to hear it, Spock. I’ll comm Uhura, let her know you’re up. She usually drops in after her shift, anyway.”  
“Thank you.” 

Uhura came straight after her shift to find that the medbay was empty. The staff was on break, with only Spock to care for. Though McCoy was surely lurking just out of earshot in his office.   
“Hey, Spock.” She said with a smile.   
“Hello, Nyota.”  
“It’s good to see you lucid again. I missed talking to you. Though it was fun to see you smile.”   
“I smiled while drugged?”  
“Yep. Quite often, I might add. You even laughed at one of my jokes once.”  
“How very strange.” Spock paused. He had but one question, but he did not wish Nyota to think he didn’t care about her. Alas, he had to know. “Nyota, did-”  
“He hasn’t been to visit, Spock. I can’t figure out why. I even went to his quarters to ask. He finished you surgery, handed you off to McCoy, and disappeared for a few days. A couple days ago he resurfaced but he’ll only do physicals and vaccines. He-” She took a breath. “I’m only bring this blunt because I feel like you deserve to know what’s going on.”  
Spock nodded, “Please, Continue.”   
“He refuses to consult on your case. McCoy is furious. The current CMO has no experience with non-humans, which is a travesty in and of itself, but McCoy is the most qualified person left to treat you, and he feels strongly like he shouldn’t be. He’s got you covered, though.”  
“Before I went with the landing party, we-we fought. I was. Not in the right.” Said Spock, ruefully.   
“In no world is that a justification for the shit he’s pulling. You were hurt, and confused, and probably scared. You were in pain, are in pain. I can tell, Spock. His behavior is not justified. You are allowed to be upset with him, no matter what you said before you left.” Spock’s reply was delayed, quiet, and one of the few times Uhura has ever heard him sound audibly pained.   
“Thank you, Nyota.”   
When spock returned to his quarters after being released- he was still off duty for another four days, and then light duty for another three- he tried not to hope that there would be incense burning. Maybe a pot of tea.   
There was nothing. He would think his quarters looked untouched, if not for the fact that they were emptier than when he last left them. Geoffrey’s things were gone. His books, his spare uniforms, his trinkets, even his scent.   
Spock was too tired to be as upset as he knew he should be. He went to sleep.


	4. chess

“Glad to see my first officer back on the bridge.” Said Pike as he took the PADD that Spock held out to him.   
“Thank you, Captain. I am satisfied to have returned.”  
When Jim entered the bridge for Alpha shift that morning he was last, as usual. Before he sat down next to the ensign he was training in navigations he shouted,   
“Hey Everybody, Spock’s back!” The bridge erupted into applause, and Spock’s cheeks and ears went green as he waved his stoic thanks, and seated himself to begin monitoring the ship’s surroundings. A few hours into the shift Commander Kirk was standing behind him, watching him work, while the ensign took over the nav station for his training.   
“Lieutenant, do you need anything?” Spock asked, curious.   
“Nope. I was just bored, and your work is interesting.”   
“That is why I chose this position.”  
“Hey, want to discuss it over a game of chess sometime? I have to warn you, though. I’m pretty great, so even with that genius vulcan brain you might not win.” Spock turned to look at Kirk. To satisfy himself that the man was not flirting. Spock remembered then, the rumor of Kirk’s relationship with a talented rising-star engineering Lieutenant, Gaila.  
“That sounds enjoyable. Though I have never played before, I have been told that chess is a rather logical game. When and where?”   
“I have a set in my quarters, unless you’d rather go to the rec room. Eight o’clock tonight?”  
“I will see you at your quarters at eight, then, Commander.” Spock said. Uhura cast him a concerned glance, which he returned with an eyebrow.

Spock and Jim played chess twice or sometimes thrice a week in Jim’s quarters. Often, Spock would make a meal to return the favor of Jim sharing his chess set. At first, Spock had not seen it as anything but a tradition among friends, but as time went on he began to hold more and more regard for Kirk. Missed him when they couldn’t play chess. Worried after him when he went on an away mission without Spock. A month after the explosion Spock was truly recovered at long last. He and Jim celebrated over some wine (for Jim) and chocolate milk (for Spock). Jim thought the juxtaposition hilarious, Spock thought Jim’s amusement endearing, though he dare not mention it. 

After a (borderline illegally) long shift in the medbay McCoy once burst exhaustedly into his and Jim’s quarters in the midst of an evening of chess. Spock was cleaning the sparse kitchen supplies available after having cooked with them. Most people just replicated meals, but Spock preferred to replicate ingredients and prepare them by hand. Jim was playing an old film on the holo, but rather than watching, was laughing hysterically, inferrably at something Spock had just said judging by the green in the Vulcan’s cheeks.   
McCoy turned sharpy to Spock.  
“I like you. But get out.” the doctor collapsed into his cot as Jim apologized to Spock, and started shutting the holo off. When he was done and Spock had left Jim said simply,   
“What the fuck.”  
“You know what I heard in MedBay the other day, Jim?” Bones asked, sitting up and turning to his friend.   
“No, Bones. What?” Said Jim humoring him.   
“I heard that that little green man is hooking up with Nurse Chapel. Or was until they split after the explosion.”   
“So?” Said Jim, feeling thrown.  
“So, you can’t keep swooning over him.” said Bones more gently. “The last time this happened was with Gary, and you remember how that went. He almost outed you to the dean of students. He could have gotten you kicked out of the program all because you went mooney-eyed over a straight guy. I’m not saying it’s right that that can happen, but it can. How well do you really know Spock?”  
“First of all, Gary has changed. He told me he regrets pulling that. He even said he knew someone else who’s...- and they’re friends and it’s fine. Also, for the record, I know Spock quite well. He would never.”  
“That doesn’t change the fact that you’re agonizing over someone who won’t reciprocate. Hell, maybe the rumors are false and he can’t reciprocate. I cannot imagine Spock being in a relationship, Jim. Much less a healthy one.” Said Bones.   
“Whatever.” Said Jim, slipping into his cot, and facing the wall.   
“I’ll get the lights” Said Bones.

It was a few weeks later when Spock arrived at Jim’s quarters looking paler than usual.   
“Feeling alright?” Asked Jim when, partway through their game Spock developed a wet cough.   
“I am fine. Though, to avoid the risk of infecting you, I should return to my quarters.” Spock answered, tiredly.   
“You should go to med bay.” Jim said, his brow furrowing.   
“Unnecessary. This is probably nothing more than a form of the vulcan cold which originates inside the body, and must be conquered through meditation before the created infection is passed to a non-vulcan. It should not take more than two hours of meditation.”   
Spock hoped he was correct. For, in truth, this felt different than when he’d caught that kind of cold. This infection felt like an invader, but he would not let paranoia get the best of him. He would meditate, and be ready to work the gamma shift.   
“Alright. Then I’ll walk you up to walk to the bridge in three and a half hours for our shift.To make sure you’re not dying or delirious”   
Spock nodded through a coughing fit hidden in his elbow, and headed to his quarters.


	5. What am I Supposed to Know?

Jim dressed in a crisp uniform, walked out of his quarters on time for once, and ignored the fact that Spock hadn’t responded to the comm message checking up on him.   
When he arrived at Spock’s quarters the door was closed. He knocked. No answer.   
“Spock? Are you in there? Are you sick?” There was no reply. Jim pushed on the door, which was unlocked and yielded to him.  
Spock was in a heap on the ground. Judging by the broken mug it seemed he had collapsed while preparing tea. There were spots of sweat darkening his science blues. His forehead was shiny. Jim tapped a hand gently on Spock’s cheek rousing him. Spock’s eyes opened some.   
“I’m calling medical you stubborn bastard.” Said Jim, not unkindly, helping Spock to sit up against the wall.  
“Is that truly necessary?” He asked, barely betraying a hint of desperation. Jim wondered for a moment if a breakup was really enough reason to be so wary of MedBay. Not that Jim was judging; he had his own reasons to avoid his best friend’s wing of the ship.  
“Yes. I don’t like going to MedBay either Spock, but you’re lying on the ground five feet away from a perfectly good bed, so I’m pretty sure you need some help.”   
Spock sighed, and nodded. Jim called medical, and then alerted Pike that he would be late, and Spock would be absent. 

An uncomfortable-looking Nurse Chapel arrived to help Spock to the med bay. Spock looked inordinately bothered by this development. So, Jim was the one to help Spock to the turbolift. Nearly all of Spock’s weight was on him.   
As they approached medbay he could hear an argument between Bones and Piper, the CMO. 

“I don’t give a shit what M’Benga does or doesn’t want. There’s a vulcan aboard this ship, and he’s the only one who knows how to treat him. So he’ll get his ass out here and do his job or I’ll make a call to the admiralty to let them know that a doctor under your protection is xenophobic, incompetent, negligent, or all three.” McCoy shouted, fuming.   
Piper nodded curtly, looking furious. He walked out of sight, presumably to fetch M’Benga. Jim wondered whether M’Benga’d given Spock shit for being vulcan when he’d treated him for the explosion. It would explain Spock’s hesitance to go to medical. And Bones’s outburst. But not the fact that M’Benga did his training on Vulcan. He would ask Spock when he was capable of walking by himself again.   
Was Jim imagining it, or did Spock almost look like his feelings had been hurt by the overheard conversation? After depositing him into a biobed Jim gave his friend’s shoulder a squeeze of reassurance.  
“I have to go up to my shift, but I’ll bring Uhura down after.” Spock nodded gratefully, looking a little disoriented.   
Jim didn’t want to leave, but he was pushed out of the way by a fretting McCoy wielding a tricorder and a hypo. 

Dr. M’Benga arrived a couple of hours later. McCoy was glued to Spock’s side throughout the other doctor’s diagnostic efforts. He felt like he could cut the tension in the room with a scalpel. When M’Benga spoke, he spoke to McCoy and Spock looked at the ground. On the occasions when he had to ask Spock about symptoms, his questions were stiff, and formal, and Spock’s responses even moreso.  
When Spock revealed that he had not come in when he realized he was sick, M’Benga sounded almost angry, and at that Spock looked about as livid as McCoy had ever seen him.   
“Spock’s ailment is viral but is unidentifiable in our databases. In all likelihood it will run its course at some point, so we just need to manage symptoms until it is finished. We need to consult with a Vulcan healer about the exact strand of virus to be sure of the wellness of Spock’s condition. In fact, I won’t be able to clear him for duty until we’ve consulted a vulcan healer, even if he feels fine, and I recommend that you don’t clear him either. I’m not sure how severe symptoms will get, but he will require intensive care if this is not the climax of them. I will train you on how to provide such care, Dr. McCoy.”

The shift was one of the longest Jim had sat through. Finally, it ended, and Jim went to the communications station to fill Uhura in.   
“Hey, I had to take Spock over to medbay before shift. He was really sick. I think he’s still there, and I was planning to go back and check in.”  
“Oh my god, Kirk. Why didn’t you tell me when you got here,” She whacked his shoulder harder than she probably realized,   
“Sorry, jeez. It’s not that bad or anything. He’s not in danger he’s just miserable.”   
“You two off to visit Spock?” Asked Pike getting ready to walk off the bridge.   
“Yes, Sir.” Answered Uhura for both of them.   
“Give him my regards, he’s almost as much my son as you are.” He said thwacking the back of Jim’s head good naturedly.

And in his second instance of overheard conversations of the day Jim arrived to medical with Uhura to find Spock’s biobed surrounded by a privacy sheet, Bones’s feet poking out from under it.   
“-always figured you were banging one of my staff members from the way you used to act in medical but now you tell me-? Jesus, Spock that’s a way to get yourself killed. Damn reckless Hobgoblin.” Uhura grabbed him by the front of his shirt, pulled him just outside the medbay doors, and looked at Jim seriously.   
“Kirk, you cannot tell anyone.”  
“What? Tell them what? Am I supposed to know what all that shit meant? What could Chapel possibly have to do with this?” He answered in a low voice. Uhura was already heading back into the medbay, where Bones had removed the privacy curtain, and a pale Spock was resting, looking exhausted and perturbed.   
“Hey, Spock. Bones take good care of you?” Jim asked, doing his best to fake an upbeat attitude. He was as uncomfortable as he usually was in med bays, but multiplied about tenfold for every person present who wasn’t Bones.   
“Especially considering his lack of experience with non-human biology, I found Doctor McCoy’s treatment to be perfectly adequate.” Spock said, drawing himself out of a slouch and into his more usual, straight-laced ramrod-straight posture. Jim pushed out a laugh, the quip was funny. The setting was not. Uhura looked positively radioactive.   
“You mean M’Benga still wouldn’t treat you? Are you even going to be okay, Spock?” She asked.   
“I will be fine. We have set a course for Vulcan under Captain Pike’s command, because Dr. McCoy would like to consult with a Vulcan healer about the Vulcan physiology, and also due to an outstanding need for a diplomatic mission on the planet.”   
“He forgot the part where the mission was pushed up by a year because we need to make sure that Spocko here doesn’t keel over at random.” Said McCoy, revealing as much irritation as Uhura.   
“Jim, are you alright? You appear uncomfortable.” Spock Said.   
“Oh. I’m fine. I’ve just never liked the doctor’s. McCoy sneaking up behind me with hypos all the time, and all.” He gave an uncomfortable chuckle.  
They spoke for about an hour about the goings on of the shift, among other mundane topics, before leaving Spock to rest and hopefully heal. 

On the way out the door, Uhura grabbed Kirk by his upper arm and pulled him onto a more obscure observation deck. She looked him dead in the eyes for an uncomfortable amount of time, before Jim spoke.   
“Look, as much as I am curious about what’s going on, I won’t pry. Okay? I truly didn’t get whatever revelation I should have from whatever that was.”  
“Aren’t you supposed to be a genius? Like, especially with… people skills?” She said, disbelieving.   
“Well that’s a nicer way than they usually put it. Most people just outright call me a whore.” Kirk said, irritated. He left the observation deck without looking back at her. He’d encountered this rumor before. It was untrue. Jim had pretty much been a monk since Gary, occasionally flirted to keep up appearances, but hadn’t been in any sort of relationship in a year or so.


	6. Put to Sleep

Jim returned to his and Bones’s quarters with the way of a storm about him, and flopped onto his cot to study his PADD. Bones had managed to sneak in before him, his shift having ended before Jim and Uhura had even arrived in MedBay  
“What’s got you all knotted up?” Bones asked.   
“Nothing.”  
“We’ll get to Vulcan in good time. They’ll heal Spock there and he’ll be fine.”  
“I know. You’d e be all grumpy if you were worried.”  
“So?”  
“Nothing. Just forget it.” Jim asserted. He sometimes hated that Bones knew him this well. After four years rooming together Len McCoy could tell when Jim was pissed, hurt, exhausted, allergic, or ecstatic. Or lovesick.  
“Jim, just tell me.I only want to help.”  
“I just. People think I’m like, going around banging everything that breathes. You know, I heard a rumor the other week that I fucked one of Sulu’s plants. People have started making up stories of one-night-stands with me where I treat them like shit, and they tell their friends who tell their friends, and now the whole goddamned galaxy thinks I’m a class- A asshole.”  
“I know it’s shitty, but none of it’s actually new.” Said Bones, trying to understand.   
“Uhura believes it.” Jim sat up on his cot, and faced Bones, but kept looking at his PADD, creating an algorithm for acclimating the nav systems to warp 10 as a distraction. “Or at least partly believes it.”  
“Which means Spock might too.” Said Bones, putting the pieces together. Jim stopped tapping at the PADD, but didn’t look up.  
“I know there’s doctor patient confidentiality and all, so I feel like I should tell you that Uhura and I heard some of your conversation with him before we came in.   
“How much?”  
“Not much. Not enough to make sense of, for me anyways. I just know that you know more about whatever the hell’s going on in the MedBay, and with Spock than I do. I don’t care or anything, I just thought it’d be weird if you didn’t know.” He’d gone back to writing the algorithm for Scotty.   
Bones plopped down next to him.   
“Heard from Jo lately?” He asked Jim. Joanna had taken a liking to Jim from the first time they met on the summer break after Jim and Bones’s first year at the academy. She called Jim “Uncle Lieutenant”, or just “Jim”, and Jim adored her in return. She would comm him every once in awhile, and Bones noticed how Jim lit up after speaking to her. It made him bursting-proud to be her dad.   
“Yeah,” Jim said, seeming to loosen a little, “Yeah, she had me teach her some calculus, and a little bit of Klingon at the same time. She’s sharp as a tack, I’m sure you know already. Next time she comms, I’m helping her with her homework in Klingon.”  
This part, this softer part of Jim was one of the reasons McCoy was such good friends with him. He knew Jim would have his back until the goddamned end times, and at the same time, could coax his daughter away from a temper tantrum over the vid screen.   
“Hey look, Jo will never think ill of you. She psychologically is incapable of thinking that you do wrong. So, maybe think about that next time the rumors get to you. Me and Gaila and Jo, we’ve all got your back. And we know who you are even with all the lies going around.”  
“Corny much, Bones?... But, thanks. I think I’m gonna go hang in engineering with Gaila and Scotty for the night. Work on our warp theory.”  
“Sounds good.” Said Bones, happy to settle in for a solitary night of holovids and research papers. 

Jim slipped down into engineering, but avoided Scotty and Gaila. He picked up a schematic of the ship’s jefferies tubes and slipped into one. A little manual upkeep never hurt anyone. By the time he’d made it to the second sector of the ship; a nook of enlisted’s quarters, he’d repaired the shafts in eight places, and tightened six of the seams between them. He had to jump out at one point to inspect an issue with the integrity of the tube’s wall-brace before heaving himself clumsily back up inside.  
When Jim looked at his comm it was nearing the end of Gamma shift, which was also, coincidentally, when the wall of the ship just outside his tube was ripped away exposing the awe and horror of deep space. In the blast the tube ripped from the wall, slamming Jim’s head on the inside of the tube hard enough to put him to sleep.


	7. Logan Conrad

“Captain, an unidentified vessel is wandering the sector.” Announced Sulu from the helm.  
“This close to klingon space? Hail them.” Gaila was the one who did so, having been trained in both communications and engineering was a great help when staff in either department got sick, hurt, or mouthy.   
“I’ve hailed, but am not getting a response, Captain.”  
“Hail again please, Lieutenant”  
“Yes, Captain.”   
“Captain they seem to be changing directions on us. They’ve raised their shields. They’re running” Said Sulu.   
“Gaila, remind them that this is a federation class ship. We can chase them to the end of the galaxy if we so choose.” Gaila did so, promptly.   
“They’re hailing us, Captain.”  
“Excellent work Lieutenant. Run a search on whatever face answers the hail as soon as you put them on screen.”  
“Of course, Captain” She answered. 

“Greetings from the starship Enterprise. To whom am I speaking?” Gaila took this as her cue to command the results of her facial recognition software to share the screen with the man appearing upon it. 

Logan Conrad   
Wanted: Murder, kidnapping, smuggling, fraud.   
Planet of Origin: Earth  
Return to: Slavic Union Enforcement Department

“I’m sure you know by now, Captain Silver.” Conrad said, jeering at Pike’s gray hair.  
“Quite, Mr. Conrad. So, I supposed the only question now, is whether you will submit willingly. Otherwise, we will be forced to destroy that pretty little ship of yours.”

“I’ll go quiet, Cap. My chances of living outside prison ended the second I saw your ship in the quadrant. No one survives an encounter like this one with a fed ship. But here’s the thing. I used to think my options were binary, go loud and humiliated or go quiet and humiliated, but I’ve realized that those aren’t the only two.”  
“He’s charging his weapons, Captain.” Said Sulu.   
“Raise shields”   
“I must be the only ingrate ever to cross your path who realizes that I’ve got nothing left to lose. So I’ll go quiet.”  
“Shields are at 50 percent, Captain.”  
“But not before I hear you scream”  
Conrad shot at the Enterprise, into the residential sector of the ship where the shield was not fully configured, and a part of the Enterprise tore away. The floor of the bridge quaked for a moment, and the crew looked up to see Conrad on the vidscreen, both hands raised in surrender.   
“Lieutenant Sulu, Lieutenant Giodo beam him over, and leave him in the brig. I’ll be down for visit in my free time.” Said Pike, repressing rage to take care of his people.   
“Lieutenant Gaila, report to engineering. You and a crew will do a spacewalk to fix that exterior wall. Lieutenant Chekhov, accompany them. Report casualties to the medbay, and brief them on what happened over your comm on the way to suit up.”  
They all “Yes Captain”ed after their orders, and flew off to their duties.   
“Lieutenant Hoff, get me the admiralty on screen. I’ll be requesting for a ship to meet us at vulcan, to take Conrad to await trial in a federation jail.”  
“Are we not required to extradite him to the Slavic Enforcement Department?”  
“Not when he fired on a non-threatening federation ship.”


	8. Be Careful with Him

Gaila was working on positioning a triage panel against the nearest bit of usable exterior in the gaping hole on the ship when she saw something inside one of the jefferies tubes. It was red. Engineering red. Holy fuck. It was an engineer. Inside a jefferies tube. In open space. Then environment should be stable(ish) in the tube- the engineer might be alive.  
“Scotty! Get over here! Chekov, comm MedBay- we need a doctor out here, now!” She shouted into her headset. Gaila maneuvered over to the engineer in the tube, and knocked on it, trying to get the engineer to move. He shifted, but barely, like a kid who wanted to sleep late. Gaila noticed the blood at the point where his head rested, and kocked harder. He managed to lift his head. Jim. before laying it back down. His lips were edging on blue. He was freezing.   
“Scotty it's Jim.” She said quietly into the comm. “He has an abrasion on his head. Most likely secondary to blunt force trauma.   
“Fuck.” She hears in answer.  
“I’ll update Piper. He’s preparing for a spacewalk. He’s also sending McCoy into the tubes to attempt to extract him from inside the ship.” Said Chekov. 

“Fuck it’s cold” Said McCoy over his headset. They’d made him wear a walksuit even though he’d be in the tubes.   
“How far out are you, McCoy? We’re struggling to get a stable enough environment outside the nearest tube exit to get him into a suit.   
“I’m close. Maybe 15 seconds out.”  
“Shit. Hurry.”   
McCoy arrived in ten, stabilized his friend’s neck, grabbed Jim under the armpits being sure not to touch his head wound, and dragged him out of the tubes, into the ship in under thirty seconds.   
Jim was out cold, and before McCoy could finish running the tricorder over him, he knew Jim needed surgery. There was a team prepped and ready in the hallway, and they loaded Jim onto a gurney and pumped him full of anti-inflammatories, and inmuno-stabilizer hyposprays. Jim didn’t even flinch. McCoy sprinted along next to the Med team that raced the gurney back to medbay.   
Before McCoy was done scrubbing in for surgery Piper elbowed past him and headed straight in to operate.   
“You’re too close to this one, McCoy. Go sit in Waiting.”   
So he went. 

Jim awoke slowly. It sounded like there was loud rushing water or something. Like a really loud whooshing in his ears. The world was blurry, and he didn’t quite process what was happening in it. He thought maybe someone was calling him. He felt a strong, sure hand squeeze his shoulder. A reassurance. Everything would be fine. He went back to sleep.

“Dr. McCoy I understand that you must have infinitely more pressing inquiries, but do you happen to know Lieutenant Commander Kirk’s prognosis? He is a friend, and I am concerned.”  
“I don’t really know, Spock. I’m not in the loop with his care right now, and I need to meet with the captain.”  
“Would the Lieutenant benefit from someone being at his bedside?”  
“Probably not at this stage. He’s pretty far out of it. He’s only woken up once, and he wasn’t responding well to external stimulus.”  
“Would it harm him?”  
“No. It wouldn’t hurt.”   
“Then I will remain,despite my discharge from medbay, as a service to his friendship, and his care of me in my own ailment.” McCoy paused.   
“Be careful with him.” He said.   
“I can assure you that I will, Doctor.”


	9. Some Job Searching

“So what are you telling me Dr. McCoy?”  
“I’m telling you that your CMO has repeatedly provided inideal care to people on this ship. He didn’t scrub before Kirk’s surgery, he allowed M’Benga to shirk his duty to a Vulcan patient, he let a security elistedman’s broken ankle heal wrong, because the x-ray machine was backed up and he didn’t feel like using up the bed until it the line died down. I’m telling you that you need a new CMO.”  
“I wasn’t aware of the behavior you’ve described to me today. How has the medical staff kept this so quiet?”  
“It’s an unspoken thing among doctors to have each other's backs. I thought I was honoring my duty as a doctor by not bringing this to you, but I was shirking my duty to my patients, and seeing someone unscrubbed operate on my friend was a snap-to. I apologize for not saying something sooner.”  
“I’ll need a new CMO.” McCoy bowed his head.  
“I regret the inconvenience.”  
“I was hoping you’d take the job.”  
“Me?”   
“You.”   
“Captain Pike, am I even really qualified to be Chief Medical Officer?”  
“I was actually about to recommend that the Farragut take you on as their new CMO. They’re in need of a new one, but assuming your claims are substantiated, and judging by your character I’d bet they are, we’re in need of one too, and I want you.”  
“It’s just that,-” Started McCoy, apologetically.  
“The Med staff will think you ratted on Piper to get his job?” Asked Captain Pike, knowingly.   
“A bit.”  
“No one has to know that it was you who brought this to me. They’ll just know it was a senior member of the Medstaff. Would that solve your problem?” McCoy hesitated.   
“Yes. Yeah, I guess so.”  
“You still feel like that’s what you’re doing, don’t you? Taking his job?”   
“Well...sort of, yeah.”  
“Look, you know this already. No matter what job you get someone had it before you did, and much of the time, you didn’t get it because they got promoted. Piper lost this job all on his own. He wasn’t my first choice in the first place, I was all but looking for an opportunity to replace him when I first took the chair. Granted, I had no idea how bad things were until today, but I know that he doesn’t have experience in non-human xenobiology. We need someone both new and experienced. You’re new to starfleet, but old in doctor years. You’ve got ample experience in trauma, and though I’d like to buff up your alien xenobiology, I can see you’ve been making an effort to do so yourself, and we can work together to get you where we want once you’re CMO. And lastly, and here’s the thing I want you to remember, I trust you with my life, with my crew’s lives. I’ve seen you care for people. I’ve been treated by you, and I trust you. With this job, and with my people”  
“Thank you, Captain.” Said McCoy, stunned.   
“You’re welcome, Commander. We’ll make it official when the security freighter arrives to collect Conrad on Vulcan.” Said Captain Pike. “Now, tell me what’s happening with Jim. Can I visit him?”


	10. I'm Sorry

Spock was sitting in a chair some distance from Jim’s bedside reading research on the effect of hazardous atmospheres to the response time of standard issue Comm devices when he noticed Jim stirring. Spock was still shaking the last of whatever illness he’d had, so was exhausted when he rose to get the attention of a nurse, and experiencing a small amount of vertigo by the time he sat back down.   
The nurse shined a light in Kirk’s eyes, and then pulled a privacy curtain around his bed. Spock left for the waiting room, so that Jim could have privacy if he wanted. 

The nurse, Valencia, asked Jim what his name was, and he answered, albeit groggily. Valencia then asked him what day it was and Kirk responded by saying,   
“Jeez, I dunno. Aren’t I ‘sposed to ask you that one?” Valencia laughed like, she had one of those laughs that made you want to compare her to a bell even though laughing doesn’t ever actually sound like a bell, thank goodness.   
Nurse Valencia was new to the Med staff. An officer’s taxi had brought her out to the Enterprise not more than a couple months ago, and to top off her sudden arrival she was younger than the rest. She’d graduated nursing school early, and only taken three years at the academy. She was 22, but everyone on the ship except Len (her doctor) and Piper (the CMO) thought she was 27. It was just easier that way.   
When she’d first arrived, Jim (Len’s roommate) had been one of her first patients- insomnia. He didn’t like to bother Len with it, so when he found himself awake in the middle of the night, he came to her, knowing she loved a good graveyard shift.   
“It’s only Thursday, Kirk. You were barely even down. Nothing to whine about.” She smirked. Kirk laughed for a moment, but the movement of his chest and head hadn’t done him good, and Valencia slipped a bedpan under his chin just in time for him to avoid covering her in puke. When he’d finished retching, Jim said,   
“It’s a good thing you came in with that thing so quick, because otherwise I’d have horked all over you. When do I walk? Couple hours?” He knew by the face Valencia was making that it would be more than a couple hours.   
“More like a couple days. I know that’s not what you want to hear, I’m sorry, but you can’t laugh without vomiting, and we’ve got to make sure you’re all patched up before we go setting you loose on the ship.” Jim smiled regretfully, his whole posture seeming to have tightened. He wasn’t getting out soon.   
“I have more bad news.” Said Valencia   
“Lay it on me.”  
“You need a hypo for the nausea. I’d get Len, but he’s in a meeting with the captain.” Kirk grimaced, but tilted his head to expose his neck, and closed his eyes. Valencia was quick and gentle with the hyposprays. The same way she would be with a kid, and Jim hated it. Bones would just jam it in- faster, and with more than enough pain to distract from his other discomfort.   
Valencia slowly raised his bed so that he was close to sitting up. “You’ve had a visitor, you know? Commander Spock has been here for hours, ever since Dr. McCoy went into his meeting. I want you to be sleeping, but do you want me to send him in before I make you rest?”  
“Sure.” Said Jim, woozy with overstimulation. He wanted his ‘Sure.’ to be casual, but was pleased Spock was here. Simultaneously, he wanted to seem at ease, but was reeling being in the MedBay, as was usual for him.

Spock noticed Jim’s discomfort immediately, and hoped that his own was undetectable. Dr. M’Benga was on shift, and could easily walk by at any moment. Jim’s smile seemed forced, but he did seem to relax some when spock sat in the chair by Jim’s bed.   
“I would have brought my traveling chess board, but I have been informed that a game of chess may not be within the realm of healing in your current state.”  
“The board couldn’ta hurt me if you didn’t bring the pieces along, too. Your precision is not good today, Mr. Spock. Are you sure *I’m* the one who just had brain surgery?” Spock felt his fondness for Jim warming his chest. He raised an eyebrow.   
“Quite. How are you feeling?”  
“Well the CMO did just remove my skull like a baseball cap and poke around in my gray matter, so I’m feelin pretty good considering.” He sounded exhausted. “Are you looking forward to our visit to Vulcan? Do’ya have any family there?”   
“On a personal level I suppose I am gratified to be returning to my home planet. It will be an excellent opportunity to purchase native teas and appreciate an atmosphere I find comfortable. Professionally the, now emergent, need for the stop is not ideal. While there we will need to partake in the litigation of Conrad’s extradition, undergo some changes in staffing, and replace the triage panels covering Conrad’s hole with a stronger alloy which Commander Scott will have to spend the visit replicating.” Jim chuckled.   
“Oh, man. Scotty is not gonna be happy.”  
“No, he will not be.” Spock agreed. Valencia reentered the Medbay then, flanked by McCoy.   
“I found this one coming back from his meeting with Pike, so I figured I’d bring him in to say hi before I kick the lot of you out.” She smiled and retreated to the lab across the bay.   
“Hey, Kid. How are ya?” asked Bones, sitting at the foot of Jim’s biobed.   
“I’m fine, Bones. Really.”  
“I thought you were going to do math with your nerd friends or something. How in the hell did you end up maintenancing the Jefferies tubes?”  
“I just wanted some solitude.”  
“Yeah, well. Least you weren’t standing outside em.”  
“How many casualties?” Asked Jim. The last thing he’d seen was some ensign getting sucked into space.   
“Nearly thirty.” Said McCoy. Mostly enlisted. Five ensigns and two Lieutenants.”  
“Jesus. Talk about staffing changes.” drawled Jim. It was clear that he was tiring out fast.   
“Wait- what do you mean talk about staffing changes?” asked McCoy.  
“We were discussing the what must be done while visiting vulcan.” Answered Spock.   
“That reminds me that we still have to get you checked out by a vulcan doc. And that you’re supposed to be resting.”  
“Wait a minute, that reminds me.” said Jim. “Did M’Benga not treat you because you’re Vulcan? Do I need to glare at him w’never he passes?”  
“Jim. I- Dr. M’Benga and I both acted poorly. Our dispute is… irrelevant, now.”  
“I feel like withholding medical care is more than acting poorly. I’m still going to glare. Unless you mind?”  
“I do not mind.” Said Spock, looking infinitesimally satisfied.   
Valencia arrived to herd everyone off, and in farewell McCoy called,   
“Pike’ll be here to visit tomorrow, and Val or I’ll be on shift until you’re discharged.”  
“Thanks, Bones.” Said Jim, looking like a cornered animal trying to avoid falling asleep in dangerous territory.

Just outside the MedBay, Geoffrey M’Benga stopped Spock walking back to his quarters by gently grasping his shoulder. Spock stood straighter upon looking back.   
“Yes, do you need anything?” Spock asked.   
“Just to say that I’m,” Geoffrey pause, and put his hands on his hips, guiltily. “That I’m really sorry. For all of it. I’m sorry.”  
“We should not be having this conversation in public. Remarked Spock, though the corridor outside the MedBay was deserted.  
“Are your quarters open?” Asked Geoffrey.   
“Yes” Said Spock, and they walked stiffly off to the officer’s residence.


	11. A Little Delerium

“I am unsure of my ability to forgive your behavior. Though I do recognize that mine too, proved problematic. Thus, I also apologize. I valued our relationship a great deal and regret its need to end.” Said Spock, immediately upon entering his quarters. He removed his insignia, put down his Comm, and began emptying his pockets. He felt rude, sending Geoffrey away so promptly and bluntly, but he had meditation to get to.   
Surprisingly, Geoffrey moved in close to him, so that Spock could feel the doctor’s breath on his neck when he said,   
“So that's why you invited me here. Regret?” Geoffrey pulled Spock in for a tender kiss, but after a few short moments (or perhaps longer), Spock pulled away.   
“I.. No. Excuse me?” Said Spock.   
“Come on,” Said Geoffrey, gently. “Don’t tell me it doesn’t feel great. Being together again. Like this. We know each other, Spock. Let’s think about that for a while, before anything is final.”  
And Geoffrey was correct, in a way. His kisses, his touches, his words all felt familiar. And falling into him, melting into Geoffrey’s will, was one of the easiest things Spock had ever done. 

Jim had always struggled to sleep in the MedBay. And McCoy always struggled to sleep when he knew Jim was trying to sleep in the MedBay. He told himself that Val was on shift, and that she was great with Jim, but at half past 03:00 he peeled himself out of bed, and went in for an extra shift. It was just no use.   
When he arrived, Jim was sweating and shaking in his sleep. Occasionally, he’d twist around unsettlingly in his blankets. Val was on the night shift as usual, and was at his bedside filling out paperwork.   
“Sometimes a sedative hypo helps.” McCoy suggested.   
“That’s the only way I could get him down. If I give him any more he’ll be out for far longer than he should at this stage after brain surgery.”  
“Got it. Want some company?” Asked Len. “Or really, could you stand some company?” Val smiled kindly.   
“Yeah, but only if you’re working. Grab some of your paperwork, I’m filling out the hard parts, so all you need to do is signature when I’m done.” After a couple of hours of signing papers, Jim started breathing harder. He was twisting around more often, and sometimes he would look like he was going to get out of bed before collapsing again and cowering. Usually, this is the point at which Bones would wake him, but there was too much sedative in his system to risk an external stimulant jolting him out f sleep. He could be aggressive, confused, or traumatized. At this stage it could even induce a fugue state. There was no reason to blame Val. He’d have done the exact same thing. Sometimes it was just like this. They just had to hope he eventually woke himself.   
Two hours later Jim screamed himself awake. Lucky thing there was no one else in the MedBay that night.   
“Fuck, sorry.” Jim said, breathing heavy.   
“Ain’t a problem Jim, you know that.” Said Bones.  
“I just, he was just on top of me and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I should have been able to, they needed me. They were dying. But I just couldn’t.” Bones realized that Jim wasn’t fully conscious, and probably was having trouble sorting reality from his dream.   
“You’re all right Jim. You shouldn’t have had to. You did just the right thing.” Bones said. Val sat on his bed, and grabbed his hand.   
“You’re safe, now. Do you believe me? You’re totally safe, now.” Jim clasped her hand back, and relaxed.  
“I know. M’sorry.”  
“You have no reason to be sorry. Just go back to sleep. You probably won’t even remember this in the morning.” Even as she spoke Jim seemed to settle back into sleep.  
“He’s always gotten worse when I’ve touched him or gotten near him when he’s like that. What did you do?” He asked Val, in awe.   
“I’m fairly certain that the only thing I did differently than you is not be a man.” She said sympathetically.  
“Oh.”

In the morning Spock woke hours before Alpha shift to engage in meditation on one of the observation decks. He was careful not to disturb Geoffrey as he crept out of bed. The feeling of carefully disentangling their legs was almost nostalgic. Because of his position as first officer, his quarters were built to house one, and were situated directly next to the captain’s quarters, connected by the washroom. This was something that Spock remembered very clearly upon exiting his quarters only to nearly collide with the captain.   
“Sorry to surprise you, Spock!” I don’t usually see you this time of day. Don’t you typically workout earlier than this?”  
“Oh, yes. I’m actually off to meditate. I was awake researching during the time in which I would usually meditate. How did you sleep, Captain?” Spock hoped that the question didn’t sound intrusive.   
“Oh, I got to sleep quite late after dealing with Conrad, but slept very well once I turned in. I’m off to the gym.”  
“I hope your workout is stimulating.”   
“Y’Know, Spock I could swear you look almost gloomy. How are you doing?”   
“You do have quite an imaginative mind, Captain. It makes you ideally suited for your position.” Pike rolled his eyes and smirked.   
“And let me guess, there’s no possible way that that was a joke either.”   
“Indeed not.” Said Spock. Pike chuckled and began to walk off to the gym.   
“Captain, has the arrival time at Vulcan altered at all?”  
“Yes, We’ll be there by the end of gamma tomorrow.” Pike called over his shoulder. 

Spock’s meditation was guilty and melancholy. His Vulcan control was, apparently, lacking of late. He knew did not want to be with Geoffrey, whom he was no longer able to trust, but he had considered it anyway, and now the man was alone in his bed. This thought was the most vertigo inducing of all. Spock was not ready to have a confrontation, and was developing a strategy to avoid returning to his quarters before shift.   
Throughout it all, thoughts of Jim flitted in and out of his consciousness. In some moments they provided a warm light in his mind. In others, a pressing anxiety, and when Jim flitted by during thoughts of Geoffrey in is bed, Spock’s mind darkened and recoiled. But then Jim would come back again later, when Spock was ruminating on his bridge duties, or his breakfast, or holovids with Uhura, and the warm soothing light was there again.   
When Spock concluded his meditation he had decided he would visit Jim in the MedBay, before getting breakfast at the caf, and heading straight to the bridge. He knew he would have to speak to Geoffrey before they reached Vulcan. He couldn’t have an angry ex lover unaware of the circumstances of their relationship when he reunited his father for the first time in five years. 

“Jim is still sleeping, Spock.” Said McCoy, when Spock entered the MedBay that morning.   
“Dr. McCoy. You seem to have arrived early to your shift. Good morning.” Said Spock.   
“You have no idea.” Quipped Val from behind one of the standing desks.   
“Yeah, yeah. Well he’s not awake yet and we shouldn’t wake him up so scram.” Said McCoy. Spock turned to leave.   
“Who’s not awake?” Jim shouted from behind a privacy curtain, before grunting, “Ow, fuck.”   
“Oh, God. How did you hurt yourself?” Said McCoy making his way to Jims bed.   
“I yelled.” Yelled Jim, still beind the curtain. “Ow.” McCoy yanked the curtain to the side and glared at Jim. Spock noticed that Jim looked worse for wear than he had been even the night before.   
“How are you feeling?” He asked.   
“Kind of like I got brain surgery or something.” said Jim Snarkily.   
“You seem to be speaking succinctly than yesterday.” Spock remarked, comforted by at least one sign f hist friend’s recovery.   
“Why thank you, my liege.” Said Jim. Spock raised an eyebrow, and sat at Jim’s bedside. Spock related to him the recent goings on of the ship as best he knew, and then also discussed some of the research he’d done in the wee hours of the night before. While Geoffrey was sleeping. He of course, omitted that detail. Jim told him some holovids they would have to watch when he was recovered, and Spock only left in time to be appropriately early to his shift on the bridge.


	12. We're in the Together

Gaila was Jim’s next visitor, and she walked in looking angry, which was unlike her. Gaila had been through a lot. It was part of the reason she and Jim were so close; they were both outliving their pasts. Even so, Gaila smiled like the moon, soft and tranquil, everyday without fail. You could set a clock to her smile, but it wasn't making an appearance this morning.   
“What’s wrong Gai?” asked Jim.   
“You know how the computer doesn’t track your location if you’re inside a jefferies tube with the glitch in the new update?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Well it notes your last known location. Did you know that?”  
“No, I didn’t.”  
“Do you remember the last place you were trackable before the explosion?”  
“It should have been engeneering, where I picked up the schematics. Right?”  
“No. That’s wrong.” She paused. “I was on the bridge during the explosion. I took gamma yesterday to learn from the captain. He sent me and a couple others to start putting on triage panels. On our way there, Pavel Chekov remembered that you had promised to lend him a gold shirt for his next shift. You said you’d drop it by his room before morning. Pavel lives in the sector that was environmentally breached. Sector two.”  
“Oh.” Said Jim. Gaila sat and listened to him ramble on about nothing an admirable amount. So, he was more than willing to listen to her say something that obviously mattered to her.   
“The only people who lived in that corridor who were okay, were the ones who were in other parts of the ship, or who had their doors closed, and locked. Everyone but you was either fine, or dead. Anyway, we didn’t know that yet.”

Gaila and Chekov were sprinting to engineering to suit up when Chekov realized.  
“He said he’d bring it to me.” He repeated, while still running. “He. He’s training me in nav, I. I thought He’d be a good person to ask.” Gaila whipped out her Comm.   
“Computer. Where is Lieutenant James Kirk?” She asked, breathless.   
“James Kirk is not located aboard the Starship Enterprise.” The computer answered. Gaila’s stomach dropped. She stopped dead in her tracks, and so did Chekov.   
“Last last known location?” She asked  
“Last known location of Lieutenant James Kirk: Sector two, corridor seven.”  
“That’s where I live.” Said Chekov, his voice breaking.   
“We need to keep moving.” Said Gaila. “There could be survivors.” They picked up running for engineering again. Ther were tears streaking chekovs face. Gailas teeth were grinding lividly

“Oh my God. I’m so sorry. I remember now, I jumped out to do an external fix a couple minutes before the explosion. I’m so sorry.” Said Jim.   
“I know, Jim. I don’t want you to have to apologize for this. I just needed you to know that. You know? I thought you were dead. I thought you were dead for like, an hour. And it was… it was awful.”  
“Well, even if I don’t apologize, I’m still sorry. I’m sorry it happened. I’m okay though. I’ve had way closer scrapes than this, even piper said so. I’m going to be fine.”  
“I’m glad. I’m really really glad.”   
“Just like always, Gai. We’re in it together.” She smiled, at last. Her calming, moony, serene smile.   
“So, what did you dream last night? It couldn’t have been good since you’re in MedBay.”  
“Yeah, not so good, I guess.”   
“Lay it on me, Kirk. It’ll be good to let go of it.”


	13. To let Go of it

Things were uneventful on the bridge. When Spock arrived for duty, Captain Pike had sent him away noting his lack of medical clearance. So, the bridge was unusually still. Uhura was on shift with Chekov in nav looking exhausted, and Sulu at the helm looking distracted. Scotty occasionally popped onto the bridge to update the captain on the state of the temporary ship repairs. Usually, they would have stopped by now for repairs like this, but they were so near Vulcan, and needed to stop there anyways. Uhura knew the others on shift by name, but nothing more.   
She had an Ensign to train on the Ship’s Comm today. Ensign Bly. He was a kind kid, and was proficient at using it before he’d even touched the real thing. Damn, she wished she’d had access to the kinds of sims they had at the academy these days. She asked Bly about his language proficiency: Standard, English, Cherokee, Klingon, Rumolun, a and a bit each of Vulcan Andorian and Tellatrite. Almost had Uhura herself beat.   
The kid was young. Twenty or so at most. Must’ve been a Chekovian prodigy-type. Bly reminded her more of Spock though: stoic but good natured, a little aloof but self aware. She was teaching him things about the station he wouldn’t need to know for months yet, and were friendly by about lunchtime.   
Uhura had set it up so that she and Sulu went on lunch together. The were planning to go spar in the gym. She wanted to learn swordsman skills, and he wanted to brush up on hand-to hand. On the way there, they were munching on protein bars, and Sulu looked more sedate than usual.   
“What’s up? You haven’t gushed over your plants once yet, and we’ve been off shift for nearly five minutes.” He huffed a light laugh.   
“I just remembered something weird about when I broke my leg today.”  
“Bad weird? Are you okay?”   
“Yeah, yeah. It’s nothing crazy.”  
“Okay, so tell me about it.”  
“Well, I had Gamma last night and now alpha, so my sleep schedule is shot, so I went to visit Jim Kirk in the MedBay this morning.”  
“And?”  
“How much do you know about Dr. M’Benga?”  
“Why?” Asked Uhura, her voice darkening.   
“Well, when we first beamed back from Cassaveau, My leg was wrecked and I didn’t remember most of it for the longest time. But Dr. M’Benga was there when I went in this morning. And I remembered that right when we beamed back, McCoy was shouting for someone to get M’Benga, but he was already there. M’Benga wa just there in the doorway staring at Spock for like, nearly a full minute probably. I’m not sure what to do. God, it sounds so much worse out loud.” They arrived at the door to the gym, but just leaned up against the wall next to it, Uhura looking concerned. “But why didn’t he help? Spock could have died. He almost did. What If Spock had died and I only remembered this now. Do you think he has something against Vulcans?”  
“No, he studied at a Vulcan healing hospital for most of his residency, I don’t think he’s got anything against Vulcans.”  
“Oh. Do you think he doesn’t like gay people?”  
“Why?” Asked Uhura sharply.   
“I just. Oh jeez, sorry. I thought you’d know. You and Spock are so close. I mean, at first I thought you two were a thing, but if he’s not in love with Jim Kirk, then Scotty and I are married and Pavel Chekov is our love child.” Uhura looked tired.   
“I know. I just sort of didn’t think other people would be able to tell. Obviously, this cannot get out.”  
“Yeah, but the M’Benga thing has to, doesn’t it?”   
“Yes. I think you should go to Pike with it.”

“So, It was Kodos on top of you?”   
“Yeah he was holding me down inside the jefferies tube. And I saw a bunch of people get sucked out into space. Kids, mostly. And they were all starving.”  
“Shit.”   
“Did you know that I saw that in real life too?”  
“What?”   
“A kid. Getting sucked into open space.”  
“No.”   
“Before I passed out I saw some enlisted kid walking down the hall to his quarters, and then the wall tore away. He was real close. I looked right into his eyes.”   
“Fuck. I’m sorry. Have you thought about if this might be a trigger for you?Have you talked to Piper about it yet?”  
“Not yet. I mean death is always a trigger, but I don’t think I’ll be out of control or anything. Either way, they’ve already got me relegated to Lieutenantship until I can sleep normal in the medbay, and Piper clears me. What else can they do?”  
“They can take you off away missions if they think you’re hiding your setbacks.”  
“I’m not hiding anything. Val and Bones were both there, and I’ll talk to him when we meet next tomorrow morning.”  
“Good.”


End file.
